The Datafile PD-CD 1 Issue 2

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Text File | 1993-06-28 | 14.8 KB | 284 lines

3rd May 1993 Can't think of a title. ⌐ Colin McEwan ** Warning ** This file contains strong language which may be found offensive. It also contains some stuff I don't want just anyone to read.So if you don't want to be offended or if you want to black-mail me for any reason,Stop reading this ** NOW!!! ** Thank goodness that's over with! Now I can get onto the good stuff. First I think I'll relate a sketch from Blossom,shown the third week in April 1993. For those who live under rocks,Blossom is a T.V. programme based around the antics of a sixteen-year old American girl named Blossom,her family and her friend Six.I thought that this bit was just so funny.The Characters involved here are Six,Blossom,and Nick. Six is played by the very sexy Jenna Von O , who dances like an angel,can talk at the speed of light,sings wonderfuly and is about the same age as me. Blossom is played by Mayim Bialik,who dances almost as well but looks like Barbara Strysand,can't sing and is sixteen.Nick is Blossom's dad, an out-of-work musician and divorcee. Anyway.Blossom and Six have been asked to make a video for their school to enter into a competition. The video was to be 30 seconds long and carry a message on something important to kid's their age.So what do they do it on?-sex. Using the slogan "Safe Sex or No Sex",the video shows Blossom,Six and Joey (Blossom's Brother) dancing wearing condoms attached to their clothes. After watching the video in Blossom's house, The conversation runs thus: Nick: öGreat video girl's,but can I just ask one question.ò Blossom: öYeah,shoot.ò Nick: öWhere did you get all those condoms?ò Blossom: öNow this is a tale.You see,we went into the chemist's and asked the old man behind the counter for twelve-dozen condoms.ò Six: (Very fast)öAnd he said he only had eleven dozen condoms,but he could get the other dozen by tomorrow.ò Blossom: öAnd we said hey,we need twelve dozen condoms TONIGHT.And he asked us why.ò Six: (noncholantly) öSo we told him:We're making a movie!ò This has very strong conortations,as can you imagine a situation where two young girls would need twelve dozen condoms for making a movie? Got it in one.It was just the way Jenna said it.It was hilarious. Apparently Joey Lawrence (Who plays Joey) is a big pop star in America. If you didn't find this funny,then it's probably because I've got it slightly wrong,and not because Blossom is in any sense of the words öNaffò or öAmericanò,although it comes from America.I'm not sure,but I think it's supposed to be set in L.A...Of course,I could be wrong... Well anyway.Now that that's over with,I'd better get on with it.There now follow a few thoughts of mine on various subjects; Life: Life is,contrary to popular belief,merely an extremely unlikely chemical accident. At least half of humanity spends a great deal of time trying to find the meaning of life. The answer is really quite simple;There is none. It is really quite obvious when you think of it. Death: From the deceased's point of view,this is just a really deep sleep from which there is rarely ever an awakening. Most successful life-forms have an irrational fear of death. This is because of evolution. If a life-form wasn't afraid of death, it would be too willing to die before having had the opportunity to reproduce and pass on the genes which didn't tell their owner to be afraid of death. In this way, most life forms (except lemmings) have evolved to be afraid of death. So really there is nothing sinister about death at all! If you are afraid of death,don't be. It isn't worth taking a nervous breakdown over... Love: This is another one which people think of a lot.This is also really quite simple. It is merely another evolution-induced emotion,like fear. I am still unsure of it's purpose. I know it is either one of these two: 1) To keep you with the person with whom you have produced children,so that your children (Gene-bearers) have a better chance of making it to the stage of passing on their genes. 2) My favourite theory is that love is to draw you to a person who will be good for you, the sort of person you physically or psychologically NEED to be with. For example,I am a really depressed person, and have a deep physical and emotional need for laughter.That's why I watch all the comedy programmes on TV.I have fallen in love with only one girl in my life (But hey, I'm only fifteen and a half),who is just so funny to be with I just can't help but laugh.That also explains why I have this little thing for Jenna Von O ,who is completely hilarious. So if you want someone to fall in love with you, simply find what their deep psycologigcal and emotional needs are,and try to project yourself as being the sort of person who can fulfill their needs.This is why it is said that opposites attract.I am very depressed and reasonably intelligent.So the sort of person I would be attracted to would be funny,but the sort of person who would be attracted to me would be stupid (or mad!).So you would have a depressive intellectual and a funny ignoramus as the perfect couple. This rather depresses me.I don't want to be in love with someone who won't even understand what I'm saying.But no,wait.I myself am funny to be with.So perhaps Someone really funny but depressed will fall in love with me. Then we could become a comedy duo and become really rich and famous.That would be nice.I wonder if Jenna Von O is depressed in real life. But wait.I have,I should hope, other good points.So perhaps these points might be needed in someone really funny out there... Artificial intelligence: I'm sure we're missing something major,yet obvious, in this field. I mean,your average A.I. machine runs with a clock speed of 35-55 MHz,that's 35000000 to 55000000 Hz.The average human brain runs at between 7 and 8 Hz. Now am I right in saying that,as the A.I. computer runs at between 4375000 and 7857142.86 times as fast as the real brain, and the computer can't tell the difference between an ariel picture of the M1 and a plate of spaghetti,that we are doing something wrong? Yup... Division by zero: Division by zero is logically impossible.That is a commonly known fact,but one which many more reputable maths teachers will shy away from proving. If you are a maths teacher who shys away from proving it to students,try this. Assume that when I say Éooæ I mean infinity,because I don't have a symbol for infinity in my character set. If 1 ÿÿÿ > 0 oo Then 1 ÿÿÿ > oo 0 Since there is logically no number greater than infinity (except,by definition,infinity its'self),it can be said that to divide by zero is a logical impossibility. If you want to argue that 1/oo IS 0,then think on this. There is a difference,but an infinitely small difference (1/oo). You may say that this could be disregarded,as it is very (indeed infinitely) small error.However,when we take it's inverse (which is what we do in the last stage,this is a very (indeed infitely) large error.So from that,1/0 = 2oo,which,by definition of infinity, = oo. So,stange as it may seem, infinity is a RATIONAL number (the only reason that a rational number is defined as x/y where y<>0 is because the mathematician who originally figured it out (whoever he/she was) couldn't hack the idea of infinity (a number which will,if you attempt to encompass the concept in your mind,almost literally blow your mind (Douglas Adam's Total Perspective Vortex in the Restaurant at the end of the universe was based on this concept)) being a number which actually existed.). A much simpler proof is to give a student a piece of paper and tell him or her to cut it up into 0 pieces. It is not,therefore,actually IMPOSSIBLE as such to divide by zero,it's just that calculators,computers,and human beings can't quite think of numbers that big. (an interesting idea may be to write a program which can do maths involving infinity by using an exception number for infinity,and have a seperate set of mathematical laws for inifite maths.I think I might do that some day) Human beings cannot,however, do physical things that involve division by zero,as humans can in no way do anything which involves infinite parameters. **************************************************************************** If,like me,you really need a decent human being to talk to,WRITE TO ME, as I don't have any really good friends,and the bunch I hang around with only ever talk about cars,golf and sex. MAJOR BORE!. I had a theory that the girls I know would probably be talking about more intelligent stuff than this bunch of !@#$%^&*s,as they are,on the whole,more obviously intelligent. Then I went to prove this theory by trying to have a conversation with a few of them. This,contrary to my expectations,completely and totally shattered my theory - All THEY talked about was sex,and other related trash.So I haven't had a decent conversation in yonks.So please write to me at the below address.è By the way,my birthday is 21st of October,so if you want to send a letter or something to say what an unfortunate day that was back in 1977,then feel free. Now for some hellos and stuff. ùùù ùùù ùùùù ùùùùùù ùùù ùùùùùù If your name is Sharon Patterson,then first:Did I give you this application? That was a mistake.Where did you get hold of it? Don't read the öGet Stuffedòs,and if you must,don't say anything to anyone. If your name is not Sharon Patterson,then I'd better let you know that she is the only other person I know at the moment who has an Acorn computer (Also souped up A3000,but with hard-drive which has apparently been mounted in an empty ice-cream tub,for some reason).The computer does not,however seem to play as major a part in her life as it does in mine. Hello to all at the Vale of Leven Academy,including: Craig Cosham, David Dennet, David Shields, Steven Marsh, Elaine McKechnie, Gillian Bleach, Sharon Patterson, Angela Sharp, Amanda Brown, Carolyn Docherty, Catriona Cameron,etc. Hello also to all those who have anything at all to do with Acorn machines.Thanks to Acorn, Oak, Cumanna, ICS, etc for the nice hardware,and thanks to DoggySoft, Simmis, Krisalis, Fourth Dimension, Gremlin, etc. for the nice software. And a large öGET STUFFEDò to: Leigh-Anne Morrow,you horrible person.Why dont you just leave me alone? thanks to you I've had a thoroughly miserable lot in life.You annoyed me all through primary school,and when I thought you'd leave me alone in secondary school,what do you do? You annoy me more than ever! I mean for God's sake,what did I ever do to you? Just please,leave me alone! Leighanne (or however you spell it) Miller.I never talk to you or say anything back when you say öHiò because I don't like you.Isn't that clear? I mean for God's sake, you're so !@#$%^&* arrogant.Besides which,I just don't want to talk to you.I mean,who in their right mind would? (There are an awful lot of people in my school who are not in their right minds). Go away. Whew! That feels so much better that I've got it out of my system.If your name's Sharon,then you can start reading again. öSilicon Valleys, Germanium Hills, Digital Journeys and Virtual Thrills. Greetings,Oh hacker, Feeling unwell? Microchip tracker, Welcome to Hell. ò Jon Ribbens. That was a poem,probably written by Jon Ribbens of DoggySoft (But I could be wrong) which I found in the code of the WimpExtension module.Nice. I teleported home one night, With Ron and Sid and Meg. Ron stole Meggie's heart away, And I got Sidney's leg. Douglas Adams Before I go, I'd just like to mention that I've never seen a public domain, or comercial application for that matter, which has been coded by a woman or girl at all. I'm sure there must be some out there. I mean, come on, why don't you ever release even anything into the public domain,not even any small sillies? Is it because you think you have to be some sort of egotistical maniac to write for the public benefit? Well,let me tell you now.You don't have to be. I'm not. Well,if you want to write to me,please do.Even if you don't want to write to me,please do anyway.I can be found at : 11 Helen Way Bonhill Dunbartonshire Strathclyde Scotland G83 9PJ If you have any,please send me : Ideas, suggestions, pieces of paper, stationery, Garfield books, signed photographs of Jenna Von O , money, material posessions, letters, videos of [Blossom, Drop the Dead Donkey, Roseanne, Cheers, the Mary Whitehouse Experience, Red Dwarf, etc.](Although I'm not sure if some of these are available on video), hardware, software, thoughts, insults, compliments (Even though pigs DON'T fly...), family heirlooms, hard disc drives, laser printers, scanners, video digitisers, RISC OS 3 PRMs, A5000s, cheap nasty things free from packets of corn-flakes,multi-sync monitors, signed photographs of Jenna Von O , sillies, ray tracers, infocom adventures, tracker tunes, graphics demos, outline fonts, tapes of [the Beatles, Simon+Garfunkel, The Goon Shows, Take it from Here, Dire Straits, DL Menard, Aly Bain, Mozart, Beethoven, Interlect 3000, Runrig,etc],signed photographs of Jenna Von O , paperclips, pens, copies of RCM&E, those sweets they call ÉFlumpsæ, chilli con carne, jokes, any other photographs of Jenna Von O , good books, or anything else you feel I deserve for just being me. I am currently saving for a Hard-drive and the PRMs,so if you want to contribute something to my funds,it will be in the benefit of the public,as if I have better hardware,I can write better programs.All contributors will be mentioned in future applications.Or even better,if you supply a reasonable amount of moolah,then you can have an entire application dedicated to you. Would you like that? If so,gimme money. If you have great ideas for sillies,but don't have the programming skills,then write to me explaining the situation,as You have the Ideas,and I have the coding bits,which is basically all it takes for a good silly. I eagerly await your silliness... This is Colin McEwan (AKA Wimpman(for obvious reasons)) saying,on behalf of Wolf-Byte software, GoodBye!